Derailed

Ever since I was a little girl, I've been taught that I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up. I was never one for any crazy dreams, I never wanted to be a rock-star or an astronaut but I always wanted to be something practical like a doctor or a veterinarian or even a missionary. As an adult, I started college with the dream of being a pediatric doctor only to find out that it wasn't for me. Instead I decided on something that was far less schooling and a lot more personal one on one time with patients. I chose to be a nurse.

My first semester at UK, I enrolled in pre-nursing classes such as anatomy and physiology and even chemistry. And though none of these classes were a walk in the park, I loved learning about the human body. For the first time in my life, I felt compelled to learn this stuff, not just to pass a test, but because one day, it was going to be real people that I would be working on and trying to help and it will probably be pretty important to understand how the body works. This summer I experienced my first set-back when I was not excepted into the nursing program. The letter said that I was not eligible because of not having the English class that UK feels is only properly taught in Lexington. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty bitter because I was told that you could be excepted even if you were missing one pre-req but I wasn't too surprised because after all I was a transfer student just finishing my first semester at UK.

However, today I found out that the advisor for the school of nursing is telling juniors not already excepted into the nursing program to either find another program or pick another major. This raises a huge question: what do you do when you are told that everything you want to do or be for the rest of your life is out of the question. What have I been working for now for over a year? What am I supposed to do now that I have been focused on why nursing is the perfect career for me? I can't just change my major and pick something else, I'll spend my whole life wondering how much happier I would be if I became a nurse.

I have no solutions for these questions. I have asked the people I love most in my life, and they don't seem to have any answers either. Throughout the day when I got to thinking about where my life is headed, and tears filled my eyes, I kept wanting to yell, "Please God, what am I supposed to do??!!" But oh Lord am I thankful for a God that is gracious enough to have a plan for me!!! I know that everything will work out for me the way God intended it to, even if it's hard to imagine right now. I can't imagine where my life is headed in the next three months but I'm going to sit here and wait patiently for the answer from God. I am going to let Him guide me through this crazy time and a life changing decision. My only prayer is that He let me know soon.

Dumpster Diving

Just like everyday, I went to English on Friday and there sat Jimmy. This is a kid that thinks he knows everything, thinks everything he has to say is the most important thing in the world. He is the classic example of a man that loves to hear his own voice. And if my description of him didn't tip you off, I can't stand him!!!

In English, every week, we have a reading assignment. This week I cracked open the book to find that our story was written by a man that lived on the streets and his experience and expertise on how to dumpster dive. Though he never felt sorry for himself, in reading his experience I felt overwhelming sadness for this man who perfected the art of digging through trash and finding "perfectly good pizza". This is a man, who through this experience, discovered just how much he could live without and how something we throw out because it is scratched or less than perfect is another man's treasure.

And what was Jimmy's reaction to this story, not that anyone asked? That this man was merely lazy. Jimmy is one of those ubber-Christian, uber-conservative types. You know the ones that give Christians the stereotype of judgmental and merciless? He insisted that there are plenty of jobs out there if you are willing to look hard enough and work. He suggested that maybe this man thought all the available jobs were beneath him. I'm telling you, I don't consider myself to be a violent person but I could have punched his lights out right then and there. How can a man that eats out of other peoples' trash think anything was beneath him?! And how can a man that spends his entire day lowering himself into dumpsters and going through every ounce of the stinking rotting trash just to find maybe one thing that he needs to make it until next week, be considered lazy?!

This being said, I am currently reading a book by Max Lucado entitled When God Whispers Your Name, and he talks about the humility of Christ. He says "The Almighty didn't act high and mighty. The Holy One wasn't holier than thou. The One who knew it all wasn't a know-it-all. The One who made all the stars didn't keep his head in them. The One who owns all the stuff of the earth never strutted it." Lord knows that he could have done all of those things and who could blame him? But instead he was humble and because of that, people found him approachable and more than that, they enjoyed being with Jesus.

This really got me thinking. What in my life do I have because of something good I did? Does the bible not tell us that every good and perfect gift is from above (James 1:17)? So where does Jimmy, a man that claims he is a child of God, get off judging someone because he is less fortunate. Now I know that my detest for Jimmy can get the better of me sometimes, because I too, have found myself falling into this cruel mindset. But I think that if my life was completely up to me, I'd have less than that man who managed to live for years off trash. On top of that, I can honestly say that if my only source of food was out of a dumpster, I wouldn't live for very long at all.

This whole experience taught me to be eternally grateful for all the blessings in my life because there are so many. It also taught me to be compassionate and merciful and not to judge other peoples' circumstances because I have no idea what they might have been through to get them there. Imagine if just one person went up to that man digging through the trash and offered him a warm, maybe even homemade, meal, what kind of impact that could have made on him. We as Christians need to be the light on the hill, a beacon of hope and people that someone can turn to when they are down on their luck and need a compassionate hug or just mercy.

Oh Fall...

Okay so today, it finally felt like fall. I know that today was warmer than it had been in a couple of days and the leaves started changing two weeks ago but for some reason today, I could no longer ignore all the signs of fall. Today I went outside to play with my kids at after school. Even though the sun was warm and I was hot in my pants and tshirt, I could not help but notice that the heat was no longer that sticky, sweaty, summer heat that comes with a summer in Kentucky. Instead there was a crispness in the air and the sun was just a little too dim for 4:30 in the afternoon.

The thing I hate most about the fall is that the days are getting shorter. I can get used to the fact that I have to go back to school and can no longer lay around the pool all day. What I cannot get used to is waking up at 7:30 am and it still being dark outside. I cannot get used to going to dinner and coming out at an early 7:30 and it being night. The short days that shows that winter is just around the corner, drive me crazy. No I mean literally crazy. Winter is an impossible time for me, when all I can think about is laying in my warm cozy bed and never getting out. Fall is the season that walks in the room looking sunny and pretty, wearing beautiful leaves and offering pumpkins. But what we fail to see is that when we let fall come to the party, he also brought winter with his black coat, he brings sleepiness and a cold wind that chills you to the bone.

Don't get me wrong, I love fall. As a matter of fact, when I thought about writing this entry, I thought I'd make a list of all that I love about fall. Sorry I got a little side-tracked with my detest of winter (sneaky season). So as not to disappoint, I will go ahead with that list.

1. The beautiful warm, not hot/not cold, weather
2. Halloween candy, or really any candy
3. Reese's shaped like pumpkins because the peanut butter is creamier
4. Day light savings lets us fall back, which means an hour more of sleep
5. Dressing up as something awesome
6. Painting pumpkins. I did this tonight, mine has paisleys on it and Gabby's has a carrot.
7. Thanksgiving Break, a time for family and getting a break from school
8. Kelley and Sarah and Dad's birthday
9. Ghost gel stickies to put on my window
10. Blacklights for just a dollar at Walmart (because apparently they are Halloween-y)

Okay so that's about it. I'm going to keep on enjoying fall even though I don't want winter to come. And I hope that it stays beautiful like this well into February. Well I can always hope.

Can I have a redo?

Okay so I am going to forgo being prideful and just admit that I locked my keys in my car today. It all happened so quickly, far too quickly for my common sense to kick in. I was reaching into my car to clean out the paper cups (because they were taking over the car) and on my way to the trashcan with an armful of trash, my elbow hit the door and it shut, not all the way but enough for it to be locked. As soon as I heard the click I knew I was in for a really long day. Panic set in when I realized that I also had my roommate, Maddy's keys and that theoretically I was stranded. I am going to spare you the details of a very long three hours from the time the door clicked to the time I sucked it up and called AAA agreeing to pay $35 for a two second service.

This is not the only example of stupidity. Just this week I washed an entire box of dryer sheets in the laundry, which for future reference may make you clothes smell like a field of flowers but is not worth trying to get all the little pieces of cardboard off your clothes. Sorry Maddy. I also lost my student ID and was forced to use my driver's license to turn in my Anatomy test. And my constant battle with my apartment to find my key.

But I tell you all this to finally admit...I make my life really difficult. About 30 times a day, when something crazy happens to me forcing me to spend ridiculous amounts of time and energy trying to fix something or find something or deal with something, I find myself asking "Why does this always happen to me?" Well God showed me today through some harsh words from my dad and roommate, "You are careless and clumsy and therefore you make your life a lot harder than it has to be." This is a problem I cannot fix on my own. I cannot make myself be more attentive or careful, trust me I've tried and I just fail miserably over and over. This is something that can only be fixed through the Grace of God. So I am praying that one day, with a lot of work, I am going to be able to go through life without any kinks in my day, or at least ones that I didn't cause myself.

Uh-Oh I've gone stupid!!!!

Okay so do not laugh. IT IS NOT FUNNY. I've got serious problems. For the last two days I have had episode after episode of total mindlessness and as a result, I fear I have become a danger to myself and my friends. So in an effort to dissect the cause and/or seriousness of this loss of brain function, I have decided to make a list of all the things that I have done that was less than brilliant in the last two days.

On Saturday, after a very long night the night before, I woke up and we all decided to order Jimmy Johns, so when it got here, I tore into my Dr. Pepper, only to discover that I did not have a straw. Ugh so I did want any dim-witted person might do and got a new cup to pour my drink into it so that I could drink it. And for those of you who were giving me the benefit of the doubt expecting me to immediately ask myself why I couldn't just take my lid off and drink my Dr. Pepper out of the Jimmy John's cup, I hate to disappoint you. I did not realize this mistake for a solid 30 minutes until Jill pointed it out to me.

If this were the only example, I would laugh at my inattention and move on but unfortunately it was just this beginning. Today I argued with 4 people about my phone be sitting right in front of me which of course it was. I have had multiple conversations where I literally completely forgot what we were talking about. And today when I was cooking my hot dogs on the George Formen (which someone of my intellegence is not qualified to use) I dropped them in the fat catcher not one but twice and blistered my finger when I picked up the hot dogs from the grill. Oh and trust me this is not all. The list can go on for about two days.

So I guess this is goodbye to my old clever self and hello to the new half-witted Emily. So if you see me in the street wandering down the median, unsure of where I am or where I'm going. Stop and lead me back to the sidewalk and try to help me home. If you see me trying to do something stupid like climb into the oven or eat my rabbit then try to help me along like you do a two year old. Try to have patience with me and remember either permanently or temporarily, this girl is about "24 cents short of a quarter".

Leaving Me Breathless...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~Romans 8:28

Everyday we are faced with choices. Some that are small and insignificant such as what to eat for lunch or where to sit. However, some days we are faced with major crossroads, and forced to decide what we should do, a decision that may impact the rest of our lives. I think that it is funny, because even though many times throughout my life, I have been faced with a choice that at the time seemed nearly impossible to make, at the end of the day (or month or year), if we really look at the heart of the question and really think about what God is telling us, we do know the answer. Though we almost always know, often it does not seem so obvious until we look back at our life.

In thinking about my past and my journey from here and there, I can see God's hand in all of them. I think about my choice to go to Samford and how that is in no way a mistake. I learned so much in the year that I lived on my own, forced to make new friends, and learn to live without depending on anyone or anything for familiarity and direction. I thank God everyday for the friends that I made, including my best friend Kelley and how I'm not sure how I lived the first 18 years of my life without her or who I would be today. I think about the opportunity I had to go to London, and though the decision was rather rash, how it was so right. I think of all the things I learned about myself while living a continent away and the things I could live without and the ones that I couldn't. If it weren't for the semester in London, I may still think that I could be okay without ever again seeing my family and friends or eating Mexican. I look at all these major decisions and though they may have been tough at the time, it is so clear that it was in God's plan for me. I think about the decision I made to come home to Kentucky and crying one night to my mom and saying, "I just don't know if its what I'm supposed to do!" I see my life as it is now, and there is no question that it was the right decision, though it seems so complicated at the time.

Words cannot describe how much hope this gives me. It is not just up to me to decide what to do with my life but it is up to Someone that knows far more than me and about me. But here's where things seem a little more unclear. For so many of us, we have had to face the pain of a decision that was not up to us. We have had to struggle with the feeling that our lives are broken and that things are not going according to plan. Or sometimes God is calling us to do something that is not so easy. Something that may in fact hurt someone else or send us into a void of unknown. However, it is in these situations that God really gets to become a Mover and a Shaker.

He promises us that He will constantly be working through us for the good of us who love Him. He promises us that even when we cannot possibly imagine how we can make it through or how a situation can work out, that He has something even greater in the works. He is promising us that through the pain that we are forced to endure by living in this fallen world, that He is going to give us something great and at the same time maybe give something great to someone else. Does this not testify to the power of my God?! That He, betrayed by one of His arch angels and the creatures that He gave life to, can bring out good, and I mean good in a sense that I cannot possibly understand (not like I think chocolate is good) even through all the pain and evil. Not only does this testify to the power of God but also to His unfailing, everlasting, mercy that He, someone who could have wiped us all out and started over, chose to work for the good of us, even through all the pain that we created for ourselves through sin. And because this thought leaves me breathless, I'm going to take it a step further and wonder at the amount of love that he had for us to not only work towards our good but to send His Son to DIE for us so that he can spend eternity with us dwelling in His home.

I am humbled beyond words. I cannot thank my God enough for the knowledge and comfort that I take in knowing that even when I can't seem to see it through my pain, and even though it may take months, or years, or a lifetime, I will one day understand that God put me through pain for me to have the life He intended me to have. And thank God, He has a plan for me that is better than one I could actually have created for myself. It is in realizations like this I beg God to take the part of me that is always getting in the way of myself. Haha, but even with that part of me (which lets face it is most of me) He somehow manages to work in spite of it and sometimes even through it.

And on this note, I am exhausted (it is 4:21 am) and I am going to bed. I am thankful for my life that it is not my own, but is in the hands of Someone who is far more capable than me.

Wet bunnies look weird.

Three weeks ago, I adopted a bunny rabbit. Her name is Gabby and she is small and white. She is the best bunny in the world, though I may be a little biased, she is quiet and calm. She loves to sit in my lap and when I come into the room she pushes her little twitching nose through the bars of her little pink cage, so that I can rub her nose. From the moment I picked her up at the pet shop and she nuzzled my neck, it was clear that we were destined for love. Everyday I go into my bathroom, her bedroom, and pick up that little cotton ball and kiss her on the nose. She has been the ideal pet, except the time that she crawled into the whole beside our stove and I had to attempt to drag her out with the vacuum (and actually, if I'm being honest, cleaning out her cage is pretty nasty and has really tested my weak stomach). But like every relationship, we have hit a few bumps and we have managed to roll on over them.

Yesterday I went to get Gabby out of her cage. When I picked her up, I noticed she had dirt (or something else) on her face. Because she is completely white, she shows a lot of dirt. I decided it was probably time to give her a bath. So I ran her a warm bath in the sink, and placed her in there and began to lather her up. Let me tell you, SHE WAS NOT HAPPY. She quickly tried to make an escape, hopping out of the bath, splashing water everywhere and knocking my hairdryer into the water (in retrospect I probably should have moved that before I began). Because she was unhappy I was tempted to give up, except the problem was that she was completely covered in soap. So I did what every good rabbit owner does and grabbed her tight around the belly and quickly ran her under the sink faucet.

Now I had a clean bunny and I wrapped her in a blanket and tried to give her a kiss on the nose. Except something had changed. The sweet, loving Gabby I have come to expect was gone. Now Gabby was angry. She wouldn't look me in the eye or let me pet her. When I put her on the ground she didn't hop she just sat there with an expression that was a mix of hatred and sorrow. She was not looking too good, either. The usually cotton soft fur was feathery and mangled.

I will admit, I really expected Gabby to get over her anger within a few minutes. I left her to hop around my apartment, while I went to rent a movie, because she loves to explore and hop freely. But when I got back it was clear that she was waging war on me. There was poop everywhere and the soaked bunny was hiding in a clean clothes basket. I picked her up, put her back into her cage and decided that I would just let her cool off and dry off. I tried not to let it bother me that everytime I went into the bathroom for the rest of the night she would be balled up in the corner, mean-muggin'.

When I came into the bathroom this morning, her cotton fur had returned and she promptly stuck her nose through the cage for me to pet her. I guess she got over the trauma I put her through yesterday (or just doesn't have a good memory) and decided that maybe I'm not a bad mother after all.

Ready...Set...GO!

Nearly four and a half hours ago, I decided that I wanted to blog. Signing up was a piece of cake...all I had to do was enter my email and make up a password and promise that I'm at least 13. All in all it took about 2 minutes. For the other 4 hours and 28 minutes, I have been trying to find a pretty background for my blog. Crazy right?! I have traveled all over the world wide web searching for just the right template to make my blog beautiful because after all, that is what is most important! It was a hard task, there were so many to choose from and all the ones that I really loved were expensive...naturally. So I kept searching well into the night until at 4:15 am, I found the one. It was a decision that could not be taken lightly and therefore, I feel I gave it the time and energy it deserved. And now that I have chosen a background and my blog is looking absolutely fabulous, its time to get down to business.

Seeing this blog, you may ask yourself, "What could Emily possibly want to write a blog for? Everyday she gripes and complains about having to take English and curses every paper she has to write!"

So I guess I should explain myself. Because it is true that I hate English, I am through and through a science and math gal but blogging has a lot of appeal for me. First of all it is just one more thing that can distract me from having to do things like homework and anything else that I have to do. This is important, because if you are a chronic procrastinator like me, you know that sometimes you run out of things to distract you from what you should be doing. Therefore, this is a great addition to the long list of useless past time which include other greats such as facebook, words with friends, and stumbleupon.

Another reason that I have decided to start a blog is that I love to read other peoples'. I love to read the writing of people I know, to keep up with what's going on in their lives. I love reading blogs of people I don't know that live extraordinary lives that I could only dream of. I love reading recipe blogs and craft blogs and cupcake blogs. I love blogs. So, hey, why not jump on the bandwagon?! The funny thing is, I feel like my life has been consumed by blogs lately. You know how sometimes you can go months or years or your whole life without hearing a word and then within a week you hear it about 10 times? Something keeps popping into your life at random places and you start to wonder if it is more than just a coincidence? Well that's kind of what blogging has been for me lately. And being that I'm religious and I do not believe in coincidence, I thought that maybe God had a plan for me to write this so that I can understand Him better. I'm not suggesting that through this blog, I'm going to change the world. I probably won't be asked to write for the New York Times (that would be cool though, right?) but if that fabulous background is any indication, this is going to be spectacular!!!

Anyways, I'll just have to see where it leads me. Knowing myself and the sheer madness of my life, it may be a long and windy road. But I feel like I have already overcome the first two, huge obstacles: finding a layout and writing the first post! And so, now that I'm feeling accomplished (at least in the art of procrastination), I am headed to bed. Goodnight!