I have been working on trying to improve my relationship with Christ. For too long I have made too many excuses on why I have failed in putting in the time with God that He so rightfully deserves. I have used the excuse of I not having the time between school and work, of being tired when I do have the time, and of wanting to do something "fun". What I failed to realize, and what I am so quickly learning, is that when I make the time to dwell with Christ, to pray and read my bible, to participate in a women's online bible study, all the other pieces of my life don't seem so daunting.
Tonight after reading my daily bible study on She Reads Truth, I was called to pick up my iPad and begin a book that I have started many times but never made much progress, called Crazy Love. One of the biggest problems in my faith is my misunderstanding of why God would love me. I have so often felt so inadequate to be loved by Christ and certainly not worthy of Him giving his life for. I have realized though that this is the foundation on which my relationship with Christ must be built. For the reality is, that without the faith that God loves me more than anyone or anything ever has or ever will, I completely miss the joy that comes from His Mercy and my relationship with Him is never going to be very deep.
Tonight, at nearly 3 in the morning, I have been humbled in a way that can only come from the creator of the universe. I look at the vastness of the universe that God has made, far greater than my small mind can comprehend. Then I look at the meticulous detail that God put into his creation, from 228 separate and distinct muscles in the head of a caterpillar to the 3,000 different types of bananas that he is made. Once again, like so often in my life, I find it hard to believe that a God that Great would even look twice in my direction. However, because my mind was dwelling on the Lord and I was listening for Him instead of what I usually do, which is talk about the day to day worries of my life (which are truly insignificant), He spoke to me as clearly as He ever has in my life. He told me that He created me perfectly to fulfill the purpose He needs me for. He knows everything about me, more than even I know about myself, and He loves me unconditionally.
C.S. Lewis once wrote, "He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less."
God has a capacity for love that is as great as He is. This capacity is far greater than we as human beings are capable of. Therefore, He is capable of loving each of us with His whole heart, as if we were His only creations.
The humility that comes with this realization is not one that makes me feel like a failure and insignificant. It has the opposite effect. It makes me want to live my life for Him, because He gave His for me. It makes me want to shout it from the rooftops and to show His love for me to every single person I ever meet.
And when I fall short of deserving His love, which I am constantly doing, it makes me want to get down on my knees and praise Him for his unending mercy that I so completely don't deserve.
