Fearless

I am one of the most fearful people I know. If I were to really think about all the things I'm afraid of, I could probably think of about a thousand things in just five minutes. It really is somewhat crazy how much I fear the future, and the majority of the time, what I spend so much time worrying about never even happens. That's the funny thing about fear, it can completely drain a person of their energy and joy without ever having to actually come true. Mark Twain said, "I'm an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." Anyone who knows me knows that I spend half of my time gripped with fear. I am always swerving my car to avoid a car that never intended to pull out in front of me. When reassured that nothing bad is about to happen, my mind immediately thinks up a thousand "what ifs..." that overrides all reassurance.

The bible discusses two types of fear. The first is a good kind that means a fear of the Lord. This is more of a kind of awe and reverence for the Lord and a respect for his power and potential wrath. Unfortunately, this is not the type of fear that consumes my mind. My problem is the second kind, more of a "spirit of fear". This is nearly the complete opposite of the healthy kind. This is the idea that life is constantly endanger of spinning out of control. And what I am really learning is that it is a symptom of a lack of faith.

Last week I went to church, having no idea that the sermon was going to be about me. As I sat there listening to the pastor talk about fear and worry, I began to fear that everyone was thinking about how this was about me. That's when i finally faced the music and realized that all the things I fear are completely stupid. And then I realized that all the things that I fear are really just the world's way of diminishing my faith. My constant worry, does me no go and nothing can be changed just because I spend countless hours worrying and fearing it. Instead I need to build up my faith in Christ, because it is only then that my fear can be defeated.

It is so difficult to change habits of the mind. However, I am commited to decreasing my fear and increasing my worry. This, I am realizing more and more, is not something that I will be able to change overnight. However, I am trying to rely on God's help and power to do it.

I feel like this is really the root of my blog. I have always dreamed of being carefree and willing to just "dance through life" and just when I think I am getting there, I slip up. I am determined to defeat fear. I am determined to be faithful and content with the idea that I am not in control. Instead, I am giving my life to someone who is far greater than I am. Someone who loves me more than I can understand and promises the best for me if I trust Him. And just the thought of not having to wake up every morning with a list of worries, but instead being able to wake up to prayer that gives my fears to God, is a total relief. I already feel like a weight has been lifted.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7